Business Writing 101 (Because Your Writing Sucks Big Time)

Business Writing 101 (Because Your Writing Sucks Big Time) is an original piece from Seiden Leadership.

Based on what I’ve seen as an graduate school instructor, what I’ve witnessed as a coach, what I’ve heard as a member of some expert societies, and what I’ve been shown by others, I have calculated that there is a 94.8% chance that you can’t write. At all.

(I used the rectal database to calculate this figure, it’s very accurate.)

For example, below is an actual cover letter (identifying details have been altered), sent to me by its recipient. This could have been an office memo or client correspondence, it wouldn’t have mattered. It still would have sucked. Swift, merciless, point blank critique of the writing—designed to help you go from awful to awesome—follows:

I am, as you are a graduate from Indiana University. For a number of years I have been associated with some of the largest national real estate firms located in the Chicagoland area. I am an experienced project manager, which has managed large complex projects up to $80million. I am detailed orientated, hard working and know how to manage processes, while reporting P&L and enhancing the bottom line. My career has spanned through a broad range of different markets, each involving mastering new procedures and taking on greater amounts of responsibility. As you might know the construction industry has drastically slowed-down. My company went through some staff reductions and I am now seeking new opportunities.

I take pride in being successful in the construction industry and feel that my work ethic and skill sets can bring me success in any industry. I’m not looking for a temporary fix; I’m looking for a career change. I want to find a new position where I can make the best use of my expertise. I would appreciate your help.

A copy of my resume and a detailed summary of my background, along with recommendations can be viewed at my Linkedin profile, http://www.linkedin.com/in/…

Summary Writing Analysis

Not good. Unfortunately, the poor grammar must be dealt with as an afterthought… you’ll see.

Now begins the swift and merciless deconstruction, because inarticulate is neither cute nor cuddly:

Let’s Break It Down

From top to bottom:

I am, as you are a graduate from Indiana University.
I happen to know that the corporate recruiter who received this letter went to Western Michigan. Getting this detail right wouldn’t have resulted in a job, but it likely would have saved you from being sacrificed on the alter of For the Good of Mankind. Always double check facts shared in the first line of a letter—few people skip the first line.

And when you use a comma to set off a phrase, don’t forget a second comma to close said phrase.

For a number of years I have been associated with some of the largest national real estate firms located in the Chicagoland area.
I think I know what you mean. I think. But if you’re going to take the time to write to someone, don’t you want them to know for sure what you mean? Try this: “I spent XX in the real estate industry, working for ABC and DEF.” If these firms are not well-known outside the industry, add, “two successful national firms.”

I am an experienced project manager, which has managed large complex projects up to $80million.
“I am a person who…” “This is a thing which…” People are “who.” Things are “which.” Or “that.” But it doesn’t really matter, because this sentence needs to get scrapped. Try this: “As a project manager, I was responsible for complex, $80 million programs.” And don’t forget the space between “80″ and “million.”

I am detailed orientated,
BULLS#!T! Detail oriented, you say? Oh, no you’re not. Not even close. Detail oriented means no typos, and that just ain’t you. And when I say “typo,” I’m also including things that aren’t really typos at all, such as your use of the non-word “orientated.”

hard working
BULLS#!T! (That’s twice. One more like this and we might have to turn this into a drinking game.) Hard working people find the resources to make their work great. They don’t turn out twaddle like this.

and know how to manage processes, while reporting P&L and enhancing the bottom line.
Again, I have to ask, what the hell are you talking about? A few things: first, I don’t believe you. Did you mean that you have experience managing a P&L? Second, assuming you have legitimate P&L experience, why would that be listed fourth instead of first—don’t you think running a company is more important to an employer than detail orientation?! Seriously, here you claim to have a real skill and then you bury it under some factoid that we’ve already shown to be a figment of your imagination. Just wonderful; now I have to wonder about your ability to prioritize, too. Finally, we get to the grammar: when making a list, make sure everything “matches,” so that each item on the list could complete the sentence all by itself. Like this: “I am detailed oriented, (I am) hard working, (I am) adept at managing process, and (I am) experienced running a $200 million P&L.”

My career has spanned through a broad range of different markets,
Avoid important-sounding words that you are likely to misuse… like “span.” Spans go across, not through. Sounds like a little thing, but if you’re involved in real estate, this is one of those words I want to see you use correctly, lest I end up with roof beams that span through my ceiling.

Plus, as long as we’re here, “different” is implied by the word span, so is unnecessary. Try: “My real estate experience has spanned a number of markets.” Even better, tell me why I should care: “Working across a variety of markets, I have learned to recognize and adjust to subtle differences in clients’ needs.”

each involving mastering new procedures and taking on greater amounts of responsibility.
Holy Nonsensical tripe, Batman… huh?! Are you trying to say that you had to master new procedures each time you landed a new job? Or that each time your career spanned through a different market, mastering new procedures was involved? Because this second thing isn’t a real sentence. Heck, it’s not even a real thought. Keep it simple: “I held jobs of increasing responsibility and difficulty, culminating with me leading a $80 million project.”

As you might know the real estate industry has drastically slowed-down.
Whaddya mean, “Might?”

And what’s with the hyphen?

My company went through some staff reductions
Yeah, you know, we ordered some lunch, talked about some new movies, did some layoffs… typical Tuesday stuff.

and I am now seeking new opportunities.
I’m not surprised.

I take pride in being successful in the real estate industry
BULLS#!T! (Drink.) I haven’t heard boo so far about any single accomplishment you’d take pride in. If you’re going to claim to be successful, tell me by what measure. Because remember how you listed your detail orientation before your P&L experience? That little decision says to me that your definition of success probably hinges upon your ability to get the small things right… which you clearly don’t. So, I’m not seeing this “successfulness” you speak of.

Generally, people who take pride in their work don’t so cavalierly assume that their success will transfer to over industries, nor do they go looking for career changes so easily. They have deep understanding and appreciation for the hard work required to achieve greatness, which comes through in their communication. Pride creates attachments, yet I get no sense of regret for what’s being left behind here. I get only the sense I’m being played.

Note well: if you think it’s unfair that I am reading so much into single little comments, it is. Life is unfair, and other people will similarly judge you by little things you’d wish they’d overlook. Don’t get angry, just get more perfect.

and feel that my work ethic and skill sets can bring me success in any industry.
BULLS#!T! (Drink.) Mmmm… I have the distinct impression you are relying more on luck than any particular skill.

I’m not looking for a temporary fix;
BULLS#!T! (Drink.) This phrase has no business being here. Laid atop everything else, is a tip off that this is precisely what you want. When writing, stay positive. Focused on what you do want, not on what you don’t want.

I’m looking for a career change.
BULLS#!T! (Drink.) Your career change came looking for you. OK, fine, maybe it’s a semantic issue. Still.

I want to find a new position where I can make the best use of my expertise. I would appreciate your help.
Help? You want “help?” What kind of “help?” Do you want an interview for a specific job? An introduction to a particular person? Speak plain.

A copy of my resume and a detailed summary of my background, along with recommendations can be viewed at my Linkedin profile, http://www.linkedin.com/in/…
Oh, no! Tell me you did not do that! This is as bad as getting her alma mater wrong up there in sentence #1! Didn’t you say a few sentences ago that you have a great work ethic? Well, where is it? Why didn’t you go the next step and attach the documents I’d need… rather than push the work to me by making me click through for more information? See, now I don’t even believe your work ethic. Once again, I can’t even get to the grammatical problems because the underlying approach is itself a disaster.

Now for what’s missing: you know what’s missing? Anything that indicates that you took even a moment of your time to research my company before you sent this over. Tell me: why on earth would I hire you if you were too disinterested to do even that much? If you were hiring for a personal chef, what would impress you more: the glitzy chef with the amazing history who talks exclusively about himself, or the great chef with the solid history who shows up to your interview with your favorite dish, which he learned about from a review you’d posted to Yelp?

Conclusion

A little bit of initiative goes a long, long way.

Writing skills are no joke. Learn to express yourself. Get help. Have others look over your work. If your friends are as bad at writing as you are, get new friends. Or take a class. Or get so good at using video that you can send video emails and not worry about writing. But do something, because this is unacceptable.

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