In honor of NFL playoff season, here is the official Tom Brady Sexual Harassment video.

Are we clear on the definition of sexual harassment, yo? Now sign this form to confirm that I’ve trained you.

I received this message from HRCI.

Dear Lauren Ruettimann, SPHR,

This is a reminder that your current certification cycle ended on December 31, 2007. It’s still not too late. If you do not recertify your SPHR designation certification on or before January 31, 2009, you will lose your designation.

Since we’re on an 80s theme, I wanted to do two things.

1. I want you to have this song stuck in your head — because it’s in mine. I know it’s about a boy, but this song always reminds me of violence against women.

Dudes, for the love of god, stop mixing business and family. Nothing good comes when you merge your personal business with your professional life. Just ask Dane Cook.

It appears that Punk Rock HR readers are taking real vacations and spending time with their real families during the holiday season. Since readership is lacking, I’ll get back to real posts on Monday.

In the meantime, why don’t we put away all this talk about changing Human Resources and dance with Madonna on Solid Gold?

I have three questions.

I wrote about this, last year, but Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper are a brilliant pair. I’d like to salute the talent director at CNN who made the decision to give Kathy a microphone. It’s an inspired decision — and if we can see more of this innovation in the HR space in 2009, I’d be a happy girl.

The next time someone mocks my career choice as a Human Resources writer, I will steal Kathy’s like and say, “Shut up. I don’t go to your job and knock the dicks out of your mouth.”

The unholy truth in Human Resources is that interviewing is mostly a big, stupid joke. Whether it’s behavior-based interviewing or a selection process based on flawed psychology, almost all methods of interviewing are both contrived and silly.

That being said, I’m totally intrigued by a theme that has emerged on Frank Roche’s blog. His curiosity is piqued when writers talk about how to take ‘the measure of a man‘ in one or two questions.

Just off the top of my head, here are things you need to know about Human Resources in order get ahead in 2009.

• Start believing the grapevine because it often reflects the writing on the wall.
• Gossip — because your career depends on it.

This is how it’s going down, yo.

• I’m not writing a 2008 year-in-review post
• and I’m not going to list my most popular articles on HR issues.

The unfortunate thing about Human Resources is that the status quo prevails. The posts I’ve written in 2008 could have been written in 1998. Technology changes, management theories come & go, but corporations still treat labor as a brokered and manipulated commodity.

I’m doing the Buffalo Stance with my in-laws, so guest poster Jason Blais is in charge.

*

THE R WORD

It’s no use.  Really.  You can pull your fingers out of your ears now and stop blathering, “blah-blah-blah-I-can’t-hear-you-blah-blah-blah.”  The cat is out of the bag- along with the R word.  It’s okay to say it outloud, now.  The US economy is in a recession.  Say it with me (don’t worry, I promise the walls won’t fall down around you, and no one will come storming through the windows in black suits).  We are in a recession (see, nothing happened, except maybe you felt a tug of guilt as I did when I first said it outloud in public).  The unemployment rate is skyrocketing across the United States.  Consumer spending has shown negative growth.  Real estate values, global stock indexes, and real income are all decreasing.  There can be no doubt – we are in the midst of what is already the longest recession in 27 years.

Happy Christmahanukwanzaakah. What are your plans?

I’m off to see my husband’s family for a few days.

I was approached by Jon Singer who wanted me to share the following:

Thanks for spreading the world about Capitalize on Wellness, a lunch and learn event on January 15, 2009 where individuals can learn how to reduce costs and increase productivity while supporting a worthy cause.

My Punk Rock HR philosophy on holiday office parties is simple:

• I’m not a party planner. If you want a holiday party, organize it yourself. Don’t call HR.
• Please don’t turn the holiday season into a stupid team-building event.
• If you do force your employees to socialize with one another at a holiday event, make it fun & cheesy or make it classy. There is no ‘in between’ when it comes to these occasions.

Here’s some feedback from yesterday’s vlog about end-of-year compensation issues and the performance review process at most companies.

1. The video was too long and you rambled.
2. That xmas sweater isn’t ugly enough to sell on eBay.
3. That sweater is totes ugly and it looks too big on you.

see more puppies

I am honored to tell you that Parry Grip gave me permission to use his song over my opening credits, but now I need to write my SMART goals and learn some editing skills in 2009.

Also, although I believe in the 90 second vlog rule, this one is a little longer. I blame the sweater and the kittehs.

I don’t cook, but I always make my world famous snickerdoodle cookies (brought to you by Oma®) during the holiday season. I pass them out to friends, family, neighbors, former coworkers, and volunteers of the Kalamazoo Animal Rescue.

The kid behind the counter at my local UPS store said, “This place saps the Christmas joy right outta you.”

Whoa. Could be worse. The kid could be unemployed, right? Although I would also imagine the same thing could be said about working at Wal-Mart, too.

I am a guest blogger over at Cheezhead, today, and I’m writing about the stupidity of weight-loss competitions at work. I am also thinking about my good friends — from work & otherwise — who have inspired me to eat bacon, drink martinis, and to try to think about myself as something other than a number on a scale.